LEFT: Perhaps Denise Richards is having an adverse effect on hubby Richie Sambora's creative output--or perhaps Bon Jovi is just jealous. RIGHT: Civil rights aside, it seems what Brad Pitt was really waiting for was to save on the mother-in-law suite. He and Angelina Jolie are rumored married.

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The Anna Nicole Show continues; Here comes the Brad; Bon Jovi's NEW New Jersey; Robbie's rehab

Date published: 2/15/2007

FROM HERE TO PATERNITY

As the rest of the columns clamor to bring you a whole bunch of confusing nothing concerning Anna Nicole Smith , I'll just leave with you with a brief summary.

Anna Nicole Smith is dead, most likely from a deadly combination of methadone and Slim-Fast, if the contents of her fridge prove anything.

The hunt continues for the true identity of the father of her child--will the real baby's daddy please stand up! This has brought out cockroaches from all over the world, from her sleazy lawyer to Zsa Zsa Gabor's own husband.

Presumably they all want a piece of that TrimSpa money, or, more likely, her pending pay-out from the old guy she was married to.

Everyone keeps overlooking the obvious tried-and-true method for determining a father: It's usually the one who denied it from the beginning. Trust me, it's like, an allegory in the Hollywood Bible or something.

VEILED FROM THE MEDIA

Last year, Brad Pitt gave an interview in which he claimed he and Angelina Jolie wouldn't get married until gays and lesbians could legally do the same. Translation: I like free milk and I'm not in the cow-buying business.

Unfortunately, he couldn't escape the pressures from Angelina's mother. According to Thebosh.com, it was Marcheline Bertrand's dying request that her daughter marry Brad. The two reportedly married in Costa Rica on the beach with an unknown number of guests and no known pictures or descriptions of wedding attire.

Talk about a waste of a wedding. How do you know your marriage will last if the world isn't able to scrutinize it for you?

So, how could news of the world's hottest marriage fly under the radar? It's probably because Angelina hasn't shown up to red- carpet events with vials of Brad's blood around her neck, and there were no reports of a ritual chicken sacrifice near the wedding site. Perhaps she's grown up from her Billy Bob Thornton days, or she's realized that adoption agencies frown upon things like that.

Date published: 2/15/2007